Why
Meaningful Funerals are Vital After
Traumatic Death
by Alan D.
Wolfelt, Ph.D.
As we, as a nation, naturally
struggle to comprehend the traumatic, violent deaths of innocent children and
adults in Newtown,
Connecticut, and as we hear about
the funerals of each unique, precious person killed in the massacre, let’s
pause to consider the importance of ceremony. As I often say, when words are
inadequate, start with ceremony. This is not a time to “talk at” these
devastated families. Rather, it is a time to “be with” and support them and
their community through the power of meaningful funeral experiences.
Understandably, traumatized
mourners often don’t know where to start after the sudden, unexpected,
calamitous death of someone they love. That is why we have funerals, which are
not about “closure” but instead about the beginning of the need to mourn.
Mourning is the expression of the grief we feel on the inside, and a
personalized, meaningful funeral gives us a way to mourn in solidarity with
others. Funerals help all of us know what to do when we don’t know what to do.
The WHYS of meaningful funerals
The funeral ritual is a public,
symbolic means of expressing our beliefs, thoughts, and feelings about the
death of someone loved. Rich in history and rife with symbolism, the funeral
ceremony helps us acknowledge the reality of the death, gives testimony to the
life of the person who died, encourages the expression of grief in a way
consistent with the culture’s values, provides support to mourners, allows for
the embracing of faith and beliefs about life and death, and offers continuity
and hope for the living.
I have discovered that a helpful
way to teach about the functions of authentic funeral ceremonies is to frame
them up in the context of what I refer to as the “reconciliation needs of
mourning.” The reconciliation needs of mourning are the six needs that I
believe to be the most central to healing in grief. In other words, bereaved
people who have these needs met, through their own grief work and through the
love and compassion of those around them, are most often able to reconcile
their grief and go on to find continued meaning in life and living.
Six Reconciliation Needs
Of Mourning
How the funeral experience helps
Mourning Need #1 ~ Acknowledge the
reality of the death.
When someone loved dies, we must
openly acknowledge the reality and the finality of the death if we are to move
forward with our grief. Typically, we embrace this reality in two phases. First
we acknowledge the death with our minds; we are told that someone we love has
died and, intellectually at least, we understand the fact of the death. Over
the course of the following days and weeks, and with the gentle understanding
of those around us, we begin to acknowledge the reality of the death in our
hearts.
Meaningful funeral experiences
can serve as wonderful points of departure for “head understanding” of the
death. Cognitively, funerals teach us that someone we loved is now dead, even
though up until the funeral we may have denied this fact. When we contact the
funeral home, set a time for the service, plan the ceremony, view the body,
perhaps even choose clothing and jewelry for the body, we cannot avoid
acknowledging that the person has died. When we see the casket being lowered
into the ground or create elements of ceremony for the disposition of cremated
remains, we are witness to death’s finality.
Of course, in cases of violent,
untimely death, mourners are initially in shock. Shock, numbness, and disbelief
are nature’s way of protecting us from realities that are too terrible to
understand. Also, traumatized mourners often find themselves replaying and
reconsidering over and over the circumstances of the death. This is both normal
and necessary. Such replay helps them begin to acknowledge the reality of the
death and integrate it into their lives. It’s as if their minds need to devote
time and energy to comprehending the circumstances of the death before they can
move on to confronting the reality that someone they love has died and will
never be present to them again.
Yet supported by the structure of
the funeral and in the company of others who love them, even families still in
shock are helped to begin to confront this first critical need of mourning.
Mourning Need #2 ~
Move toward the
pain of the loss.
As our acknowledgment of the
death progresses from what I call “head understanding” to “heart
understanding,” we begin to embrace the pain of the loss—another need that
mourners must have met if they are to heal. Healthy grief means expressing our
painful thoughts and feelings, and healthy funeral experiences allow us to do
just that.
People tend to cry, even sob and
wail, at funerals because funerals force us to concentrate on the fact of the
death and our feelings, often excruciatingly painful, about that death. For at
least an hour or two—longer for mourners who plan the ceremony or attend the
visitation—those attending the funeral are not able to intellectualize or
distance themselves from the pain of their grief. To their credit, funerals
also provide us with an accepted venue for our painful feelings. They are
perhaps the only time and place, in fact, during which we as a society condone
such openly outward expression of our sadness.
Not only are Newtown’s families
embracing their pain in the context of the private funeral ceremonies for those
who died, many of us across the country and around the world have attended
ceremonies in honor of the victims. We have lit candles and said prayers at our
places of worship. These ceremonies give us a time and a place to feel and
express our pain.
Mourning Need #3 ~ Remember the
person who died.
To heal in grief, we must shift
our relationship with the person who died from one of physical presence to one
of memory. The funeral experience encourages us to begin this shift, for it
provides a dedicated time for us to think about the moments we shared with the
person who died. Like no other time before or after the death, the funeral
invites us to focus on our past relationship with that one, single person and
to share those memories with others.
At traditional funerals, the
eulogy attempts to highlight the major events in the life of the person who
died and the characteristics that he or she most prominently displayed. This is
helpful to mourners, for it tends to prompt more intimate, individualized
memories. Later, after the ceremony itself, many mourners will informally share
memories of the person who died. This, too, is meaningful. Throughout our grief
journeys, the more we are able “tell the story”—of the death itself, of our
memories of the person who died—the more likely we will be to reconcile our
grief. Moreover, the sharing of memories at the funeral affirms the worth we
have placed on the person who died, legitimizing our pain. Often, too, the
memories others choose to share with us at the funeral are memories that we
have not heard before. This teaches us about the dead person’s life apart from
ours and allows us glimpses into that life that we may cherish forever.
For the mourners of Newtown,
sharing memories of those precious children and educators, both during the
funerals and in the months and years to come, will help them not only survive
but find meaning in the lives lived, however tragically brief many of them were.
Mourning Need #4 ~ Develop a new
self-identity.
Another primary reconciliation
need of mourning is the development of a new self-identity. We are all social
beings whose lives are given meaning in relation to the lives of those around
us. I am not just Alan Wolfelt, but a son, a brother, a husband, a father, a
friend. When someone close to me dies, my self-identity as defined in those
ways changes.
When someone with whom we have a
family relationship dies, our self-identities naturally shift, and the funeral
experience helps us begin this difficult process. If you are a parent of a
child and that child dies, the funeral marks the beginning of your life as a
parent and family with one fewer living children—a family with someone
“missing.”
Others attending the funeral are in effect saying, “We acknowledge
your changed identity and we want you to know we still care about you.” On the
other hand, in situations where there is no funeral, the social group does not
know how to relate to the person whose identity has changed and often that
person is socially abandoned. In addition, having supportive friends and family
around us at the time of the funeral helps us realize we literally still exist.
This self-identity issue is illustrated by a comment the bereaved often make:
“When he died, I felt like a part of me died, too.”
Mourning Need #5. Search for
meaning.
When someone loved dies, we
naturally question the meaning of life and death. Why did this person die? Why
now? Why this way? Why does it have to hurt so much? What happens after death?
To heal in grief, we must explore these types of questions if we are to become
reconciled to our grief. In fact, we must first ask these “why” questions to
decide why we should go on living before we can ask ourselves how we will go on
living. This does not mean we must find definitive answers, only that we need
the opportunity to think (and feel) things through.
The funeral experience provides
us with such an opportunity. For those who adhere to a specific religious
faith, the meaningful funeral will reinforce that faith and provide comfort.
Alternatively, it may prompt us to question our faith, which too can be an
enriching process. Whether you agree or disagree with the belief system upheld
by a particular funeral service may not matter; what may matter more is that
you have held up your heart to that belief system and struggled with the gap.
Of course, all of us, and most
certainly the close friends and family members of those killed in Newtown,
Connecticut, are struggling with the “why” of these senseless deaths. Sudden,
violent death never makes sense, especially when the lives of innocent children
have been taken, yet it is normal and necessary nonetheless for us to ask why.
The funeral marks the beginning of our search for meaning.
On a more fundamental level, the
funeral reinforces one central fact of our existence: we will die. Like living,
dying is a natural and unavoidable process. (We North Americans tend not to
acknowledge this.) Thus the funeral helps us search for meaning in the life and
death of the person who died as well as in our own lives and impending deaths.
Each funeral we attend serves as a sort of dress rehearsal for our own.
Funerals are a way in which we as
individuals and as a community convey our beliefs and values about life and
death. The very fact of a funeral demonstrates that death is important to us.
For the living to go on living as fully and as healthily as possible, this is
as it should be.
Mourning Need #6 ~
Receive ongoing
support from others.
As we have said, funerals are a
public means of expressing our beliefs and feelings about the death of someone
loved. In fact, funerals are the public venue for offering support to others
and being supported in grief, both at the time of the funeral and into the
future. Funerals make a social statement that says, “Come support me.” Whether
they realize it or not, those who choose not to have a funeral are saying,
“Don’t come support me.”
If there was ever a time and
place to activate support for families and a community it is right now in
Newtown, Connecticut. Thankfully, we are witnessing the families in this
community allowing us to wrap our loving arms around them in their early, overwhelming
grief. This public affirmation value of funerals cannot be overemphasized.
Funerals let us physically
demonstrate our support, too. Sadly, ours is not a demonstrative society, but
at funerals we are “allowed” to embrace, to touch, to comfort.
Again, words are
inadequate so we non-verbally demonstrate our
support. This physical show of support is one of the most important healing
aspects of meaningful funeral ceremonies.
Another one is the helping
relationships that are established at funerals. Friends often seek out ways in
which they can help the primary mourners: May I bring the flowers back to the
house? Would you like someone to watch little Tyler for a few afternoons this
week? I’d like to make a few meals for your family. When might be a good time
to bring them over? Friends helping friends and strengthened relationships
among the living are invaluable funeral offshoots.
Finally, and most simply,
funerals serve as the central gathering place for mourners. When we care about
someone who died or his family members, we attend the funeral if at all
possible. Our physical presence is our most important show of support for the
living. By attending the funeral we let everyone else there know that they are
not alone in their grief.
As Helen Keller reminded us, “The
only way to get to the other side is to go through the door.” Meaningful
funerals are doorways to healing for those who mourn. This is especially true
when death is sudden, unexpected, and calamitous. As you keep the families of
Newtown, Connecticut, in your thoughts and prayers, also keep in mind the value
of the funeral and other ceremonies that honor and remember those who died in
the tragedy. Thank you for taking a few minutes to read this article and
educate yourself about this important topic.
About the Author Dr. Alan Wolfelt
is a respected author and educator on the topic of healing in grief. He
believes that meaningful funeral experiences help families and friends support
one another, embrace their feelings, and embark on the journey to healing and
transcendence.
Recipient of the Association of Death Education and Counseling’s
Death Educator Award, Dr. Wolfelt is Director of the Center for Loss and Life
Transition and is on the faculty of the University of Colorado Medical School’s
Department of Family Medicine.
He is also the author of many best selling books,
including Understanding Your Grief, The Mourner’s Book of Hope and Creating
Meaningful Funeral Ceremonies, available at www.centerforloss.com. Also visit
www.meaningfulfunerals.com to learn more about the importance of funerals.
But how does someone become friends with Death? It seems
like such an appalling idea. As appalling as say…working at hospice? Boy, how
many times have those of us in hospice been asked “So, where do you work?” and
once we respond, the individual reacts with some form of shock or horror
followed by the reply “Well, that must be depressing!” or if it’s a doctor the
reply is “I hope I never have to use your services!” I think it’s these
responses that helped me begin to feel empathy for Death. After all, no one
likes him and nobody is ever glad to see him. But after so many years in
hospice, with nearly 800 deaths under my belt, hundreds of funerals, sympathy
cards, and condolence calls, I’ve come to respect Death. How can I not, after
seeing the glassy eyes of my patients who gasp for breath, feverish, slipping
into unconsciousness, usually after losing so much weight that they are nearly
unrecognizable to even their loved ones. Death is a welcome reprieve. That’s
not to say I don’t grieve. I do, and I do hard.
We bury my father-in-law Don Conner this Saturday at 11am in
the Appleton City Cemetery. I’ve known Don nearly 20 years, and Death has truly
broken my heart once again. I cry so hard, that I slip to the floor, crumpled,
face in my hands, weeping bitterness, begging God for a break. Just a little
break…from my friend Death. Even though Don was badly injured from his fall
March 9th, all of us truly thought he could be rehabilitated enough to one day
come home. Maybe for Christmas. But I guess that won’t be the case.
