Dying Well

5 Tips for Creating a Personal Sendoff

Today’s guest post is from Elizabeth Meyer.  Elizabeth is an expert in planning personalized funeral services, and hopes to make funeral planning a less taboo, more approachable subject. After planning a unique funeral for her own father in 2006, she joined Frank E. Campbell funeral home in New York City as Family Services Liaison, where she served Campbell’s and Riverside Memorial Chapel helping families create exceptional services. She earned an MBA from Cass Business School in London and a BA from New York University. She is currently the Funeral Guru at Everplans.com.

When I tell people that I work in the funeral industry, most become speechless. Looking at me questioningly, they’ll mange to ask, “But…why?” I tell them about the funeral I planned for my father six years ago. It was the most emotionally challenging thing I’ve ever done, but it was also the most rewarding. I understand the power that a meaningful funeral or memorial service has in the emotional processing, grieving, and healing after a death. And so I use what I learned from my own experience to guide and empower others to create meaningful sendoffs for their loved ones. I deeply understand the power that a meaningful funeral or memorial service has in the emotional processing, grieving, and healing after a death.  I hope that by helping people create personalized services I am alleviating some pain for these families.

Obviously, I can’t tell you what specifically will be meaningful to you or loved ones. I can, however, share the lessons I learned from planning my dad’s funeral and the dozens of special funeral and memorial services I’ve helped other families plan. So without further ado, here are my top 5 things to consider when creating a personalized sendoff:

1. Religion

Religion is an important factor in funeral plans, and religious rites and traditions can dictate everything from whether the body should be buried or cremated, to where and when the service should be held, to what foods should be eaten afterward. If you’ll be following any religious rituals, get a sense of the traditions before you make any solid plans; the specific rituals you’ll follow may override any other desires you might have.

For example, you might want an ornate casket for your loved one and a lot of flowers at the service. But if you’ll be following Jewish customs, you’ll want to purchase a plain pine casket and forgo flowers, which are not traditional. Or, if you’ll be following Catholic customs, you’ll want to have people deliver eulogies and other speeches at a wake before the funeral service, since the service will be a Mass.

My father was raised Jewish, but was much more frequently found in church with my Catholic mother than in synagogue. While this meant that we were not constrained byto any religious norms at his funeral, it also meant that we were left custom-less, working with a blank canvas. If you’re like us, then the next four issues can be really important, since you’ll basically be traveling without a map.

2. Venue

When my father died, hundreds of friends wanted to support us; we needed a venue that could accommodate everyone. It was most practical to hold the funeral in the large non-denominational chapel at the funeral home. But we had other options, too: we could have held the funeral in a large church or synagogue, at an event space, or even a restaurant if we’d wanted.

Some funerals are quite large and others are very intimate; finding a venue that can cater to the number of guests is what matters most. (Remember: a funeral isn’t a popularity contest.) If you have a large number of guests, you’ll want to be able to fit everyone in the space. On the other hand, if there will be only a handful of guests, you’ll want to choose a smaller venue and create an intimate environment where everyone is comfortable.

So whether you choose a funeral home chapel, a church, mosque, or even your own living room, consider the number of people who will be in attendance, and think about where you’d be most comfortable remembering your loved one.

3. Music

When my father died in the prime of his life, my family and I were beyond distraught. But I didn’t want my dad’s funeral to be overwhelmingly morbid. Rather than concentrate on my family’s loss, I focused on making the event a celebration of my father’s incredible life. And one of the ways I made sure the funeral was a celebration was through music.

We had jazz playing as the guests entered. I chose songs that dad always played at home, and I was comforted listening to Miles Davis and feeling like he was there. At the end of the service, guests were caught off guard when Jefferson Airplane’s “White Rabbit” come blasting out of the speakers. By the time the Rolling Stones came on, everyone was dancing in the aisles as they wiped the tears from their eyes. Dad would have loved this!

Having a pianist or organ would not have been appropriate for my dad; he just wasn’t that kind of guy. But that doesn’t mean that it wouldn’t be perfect for your loved one. To figure out the right music for your situation, ask yourself: What were his or her favorite songs? What songs do you associate with him or her? What songs do you think he or she would like people to hear as they say goodbye? By choosing meaningful music you’ll feel like you are giving them a fitting sendoff—and it’s likely that the songs will elicit warm memories, too.

4. Speeches, Eulogies, and Readings

At my dad’s funeral, I selected speakers who knew my dad from different walks of life. My brother and I were the first speakers, and we shared our heartfelt and entertaining memories of our father. Dad’s cousin spoke about growing up with my dad; his, business partner spoke about what an amazing attorney and colleague my dad was; and a couple of friends also spoke about who he was as a man and a friend. By having all the speakers from different times and areas of his life, they were able to jointly create the most beautiful and complete image of my dad.

If possible, I would try to replicate have people deliver that same variety of speeches on a variety of topics.  In addition, No matter how entertaining the deceased was, repetitive stories are never fun! Also, it can be nice to consider incorporating readings into the service.  These can range from religious passages, hymns, and to poems from either the reader or the deceased favorite poets.

5. Flowers

I knew when I planned my dad’s funeral that flower choice was crucial. My dad was not particularly passionate about flowers—but flowers are so important to my mother, and I knew that she would be consoled by seeing flowers ones flowers that reminded her of dad.  So I opted for peonies, the flowers he always brought home to my mom.

Moreover, I opted to cover dad’s casket in a blanket of flowers. I knew it would be too difficult for my mom to walk in and see a casket at the front of the room; this way she was distracted and only saw her favorite flowers.

Flowers can remind us of the person we loved or distract us from our pain. Flowers can be in the colors of the person’s favorite sports team or in the shape of a heart, a cross, or even a golf club. They help set the mood, and they help make a funeral feel like a celebration.

These are my broad guidelines for creating a meaningful funeral. But please, get creative! Have a memorial service on a golf course or in a restaurant. Send ashes into outter space or out to sea. The only solid advice I can give is to honor the person who died with a fitting sendoff. I know it made me feel good about the final gift I gave my dad.

Article taken from:

http://www.calebwilde.com/category/death/dying-well/

Ritual: The Muscle Memory of Grief by Caleb Wilde

Ritual: The Muscle Memory of Grief

by Caleb Wilde

Caleb Wilde

Over the past couple months, I’ve been contemplating why the West (America, Europe, etc.) has so much aversion to death, while other — less “developed — cultures see death as less alien.  I’ve come up with two major reasons:

One.  Modernity.

Our modern world takes death care away from families and puts it in the hands of “professionals”, thus industrializing death.  Instead of the dying dwelling at our homes, we give them to nursing homes.  For more of my thoughts on this, here’s an article I wrote.

The modern world also likes providing answers to life’s questions.  So when death comes with its silence and mystery, we are rendered uncomfortable.

Two.  We lack ritual. There’s three reasons why there’s a lack of ritual:

1.)  We tend to be individualistic, which isn’t necessarily bad, but it produces a lack of community.

2).  We tend to dislike tradition.

3.)  We are becoming post-religious.

The following is my (rather poor) attempt to explain why the lack of ritual increases our aversion to death.

Muscle memory is what separates the professionals from the amateurs.

Muscle memory is what enables musicians to thoughtlessly play complicated music with near perfection.

Muscle memory is the product of laborious habit that makes incredibly difficult tasks seem like minutia.

I just came back from indoor rock climbing.

I’ve seen athletic and strong newbies come to the gym and they look like fools trying to climb routes.  Falling down on their bums, scraping their arms up and getting all nervous when they get to the top of the route.

Climbing is both strength and technique muscle memory.  And while newbies may be strong and athletic, if they don’t know how to move their bodies on the wall, they’re destined to fall and fail.

*****

Grief is similar. The walls of bereavement are very intimidating to even the spiritually and psychologically strong.  It doesn’t matter how whole you are, you will fall and you will fail.

Unless you enter through the trodden paths of ritual.

The muscle memory of grief is ritual. Ritual allows us to take the incredibly difficult task of mourning and find a way to persevere, even when it seems we shouldn’t.

Muscle memory is usually something you or I create through practice.  I climb routes at the climbing gym, my muscles get used to moving a certain way.

You practice the guitar day in and day out and your fingers move like jazz.

This is where the whole muscle memory analogy starts to fall apart when we relate it to grief.

While a professional’s muscle memory is something he or she created, death ritual muscle memory is something our community has created and it can only be “learned” within community.

You didn’t create it.  It’s something we inherit … or something we can join.

*****

This from Alla Bozarth in “Life Is Goodbye, Life is Hello: Grieving Well Through All Kinds of Loss”:

Funerals are the rituals we create to help us face the reality of death, to give us a way of expressing our response to that reality with other persons, and to protect us from the full impact of the meaning of death for ourselves.

The problem is this: so many of us have disconnected ourselves from community, tradition and a religion that we’ve never received the graces of grief ritual.

If we have community in place,

if we embrace tradition in times of death

and we’re willing to involve the motion and movement of religion,

we may find life and meaning in a task that many onlookers see as insurmountable.

Ritual doesn’t allow you to overcome grief (grief may never be overcome).  It doesn’t allow you to work through your grief faster.  Nor does make death more tolerable.  And it certainly won’t make you a “professional.”

Ritual allows you to confront a seemingly impossible task in the context of community.

Why is the West so adverse to death? Because devoid of ritual, confronting death is like asking me to play Beethoven’s Piano Sonata No. 23.

Taken from http://www.calebwilde.com/category/death/fear-of-death/

Mr. Wilde has many insightful articles that you may find helpful.

Check his website out Confessions of a Funeral Director

http://www.calebwilde.com

RENT A MOURNER

‘Rent A Mourner’ 

Helps You Look More Popular At Your Funeral

Posted by CDFuneralNews

Hiring a professional mourner or training your staff to act as professional mourners gained national attention when the practice was exposed during the reality show ‘Best Funeral Ever‘. Now the Huffington Post has taken notice.

From Huffington Post:

A crowded funeral is one symbol of a well-lived life, but for those who have burned some bridges, one U.K. company has a solution to boost memorial service attendance.

Rent-A-Mourner, based in Essex, England, hires out fake mourners to local funerals for around $68 for two hours of grief, The Telegraph reports. Actors stand in as friends of the deceased, adding numbers to the crowd, said company founder Ian Robertson, who started the business last year.

To help the hired grievers fit in, the actors are briefed about the life of the deceased so that they can talk to other funeral-goers as if they had been friends, according to the company. “We will take your guidance on how you would like us to integrate and mix with your other guests,” its website states.

The idea is not new in other parts of the world. In some African countries, China and Middle Eastern countries it’s tradition to hire professional mourners who come to publicly grieve at funerals. In Ivory Coast, the job is a sought-after career for some women, who can make make up to several hundred dollars per day for their weeping services, according to a Radio Netherlands report.

The New York Times even noted the practice as long ago as 1877, with a short item about the popularity of “professional weepers” in Asia. The author envisioned that one day mechanical grievers could replace humans at American funerals: “Probably we shall use steam mourners at no distant day, for it is the firm conviction of the average American that whatever is worth doing at all is worth doing by steam.”

How To Seem More Popular At Your Funeral

A crowded funeral is one symbol of a well-lived life, but for those who have burned some bridges, one U.K. company has a solution to boost memorial service attendance. Rent-A-Mourner, based in Essex, England, hires out fake mourners to local funerals for around $68 for two hours of grief, The Telegraph reports.

via Huffingtonpost

Article taken from:
http://connectingdirectors.com/page/2

Valuing a Funeral Director

The True Value of a Funeral Professional

By: M-Gillies, MySendOff.com

In his 1884 novel, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, Mark Twain summed up the role of a funeral director. He wrote, “The undertaker, he slid around in his black gloves with his softly, soothering ways, putting on the last touches, and getting people and things all ship-shape and comfortable, and making no more sound than a cat. He never spoke: he moved people around, he squeezed in the late ones, he opened up passageways, and done it all with nods and signs with his hands. Then he took his place over against the wall. He was the softest, glidingest, stealthiest man I ever see, and there weren’t no more smile to him than there is to a ham.”

Mark Twain

 Twain was always known for his wit and satire but he also illustrated in another passage the role of a funeral director in the most sincere and candid way possible. He noted the professionalism, the deft integrity and the lengths one funeral director goes to serve his community. But more importantly, Twain explained how the funeral director, while indispensable, was also disregarded.

Over the years a funeral director has sometimes been bestowed the moniker of an emotionless, anti-hero type of character. But for those who have experienced the exemplary service of a funeral director in their time of need, they know that these professionals are actually unsung heroes and caregivers who have earned the respect from the families they serve.

Perhaps this incorrect stereotyping of funeral practitoners is because there has been little information presented to the general public of the true value of a funeral director – a value that extends far beyond just the listed price of service transactions. As a result, few people understand the full spectrum of services and benefits that funeral directors provide and because of this, some people mistakenly view the funeral process as just another service and commodity.

But for those who recognize the full range of compassionate services that a funeral director provides, they understand these death care professionals are individuals who should be respected.

Greg Lonsdale, Owner & Funeral Director at Telfords

It is the funeral director who answers the call of duty in the darkest moment of a family’s life and steps up ready to guide a family through the emotional roller coaster of saying good-bye to a loved one, all performed in a few short days. Few other professions work under these challenges.

The intrinsic value of the funeral profession are hidden within the intangible services that licensed funeral directors provide families. Their experience in understanding and navigating through the turmoil that death delivers to a family is part of the unwritten services they provide and these compassionate services are not shown on a funeral service contract.

For a funeral director, their tireless services are often called on in the middle of the night, because a family who has experienced the loss of a loved one requires immediate assistance that often cannot wait until the next morning.

Diane Turner, Funeral Director at Telford's 

Their confidence, calming presence and comforting words help families wade through the fog of death working as a guide who has walked the path countless times before. They listen to grieving families and encourage the sharing of memories of the deceased. They often provide a shoulder to cry on. They help with advice and take care of the smallest of details that the emotionally frail overlook. They provide options and help plan and organize a respectful funeral service based on the needs and wishes of the family.

They guide and direct families towards a path of emotional recovery by letting them know that it is normal and healthy to express their grief through mourning. They help build a supportive network that includes organizing the gathering of family and friends to ensure that the bonds of friendship and family are extended to others who also share their loss.

These services provided by a funeral professional are rarely seen by the public who show up at the funeral home to pay their respects and only see the results of the funeral professional’s diligent efforts to please their families.

It has been said that being a funeral director is a calling and a lifelong commitment and they are very often descendants of multi-generational experience. Attention to detail and excellent communication and listening skills are imperative.

Funeral professionals are composed and sympathetic and they act as confidants and accommodate the opinions of others. At times, they must act as a calm voice of reason during emotional disputes that arise between family members. They are proactive and prepared to attend to the needs of the grieving. The extent funeral directors will go to serve a family is nearly unlimited.

What a funeral director does is provide an unwavering commitment to see a family through a turbulent time. They are the practitioners of commemorating the dead through the combination of multiple traditions, rituals and religious doctrines. They are seen as promoters of positive emotional healing and with their funeral homes they’ve created a private, safe haven for families to find comfort in their grief and share their loss, free of judgment from outsiders.

Even in a day and age where cremation has become an alternative option for families, the role of the professional funeral director remains unchanged:

To serve the needs of their families and help reinforce the significance of a life lived by bringing together a collective group that helps promote the required healing through an organized showing of support and love. Through this all, it is the funeral director who ultimately bears the responsibility of making this happen.

As Twain explained about the undertakers of his generation, “they do it without praise, without complaint and without criticism” and today’s modern funeral director understands that their purpose remains unchanged from Mark Twain’s time: to help guide families through their dark times by creating a meaningful and respectful goodbye built on the foundation of integrity, dignity and respect.

Who is the person that has the “legal authority” to make funeral arrangements?

Who is the person that 

has the 

“legal authority” 

to make funeral 

arrangements?

The Cremation, Interment and Funeral Services Act, states that

1. The right of a person to control the disposition of the human remains or cremated remains vests in, and devolved on, the following persons in order of priority:

a.  The person representative named in the will of the     

     deceased

b.  The spouse of the deceased

c.  An adult child of the deceased

d.  An adult grandchild of the deceased

e. If the deceased was a minor, a person who was a legal guardian of the person of the deceased at the date of death

f.  A parent of the deceased

g.  An adult sibling of the deceased

h.  An adult nephew or niece of the deceased

i.  An adult next of kin of the deceased, determined on the basis provided by sections 89 and 90 of the Estate Administration Act

j. The minister under the Employment and Assistance Act or, if the official administrator under the Estate Administration Act is administering the estate of the deceased under that Act, the official administrator

k. An adult person having a person or kinship relationship with the deceased, other than those referred in paragraphs (b) to (d) and (f) to (i).

    2.    If the person at the top of the order of priority set out in  

           subsection one is unavailable or unwilling to give instructions,   

           the right to give instructions passes to the person who is next in    

           priority.

    3.    If, under subsection on, the right to control the disposition of  

           human remains or cremated remains passes to persons of equal  

           rank, the order of priority

a. Is determined in accordance with an agreement between or among them, or

b. In the absence of an agreement referred to in paragraph (a), begins with the eldest of the persons and descends in order of age.

     4.   A person claiming that he or she should be given the sole right 

           to control the disposition of the human remains or cremated   

           remains may apply to the Supreme Court for an order regarding   

           that right.

A funeral provider, cemetery or crematorium, will not provide burial or cremation arrangements unless they have received written authorization from the person who under the above section has the right to control the disposition of the human remains.  

It is therefore imperative that you state in your WILL the name of the person who shall have the control over the final disposition.  Do not forget to give a copy of your WILL to the person you are entrusting with the final arrangements.

Information taken from the booklet "Helpful Information" by the Funeral Service of British Columbia Canada

Planning A Funeral Sendoff is Not Just for Older People

Planning A Funeral Sendoff

is Not Just for Older People

by M-Gillies

No one talks about their imminent death.

 

Death is that taboo

most people tuck under the rug

and pretend isn’t there.

 

Death is shunned.

 

 Death is he-who-shall-not-be-named!!

 

Death well it happens,

whether you want it to or not...

One day we all end up taking the dirt nap, kicking the bucket, or fertilizing the lawn as we take a one-way ticket to our afterlife. Death, unlike most things in life, is not picky – it does not discriminate between who lives and who dies. There is no age cap on death, so why should we feel the need to wait until we are older before pre-planning our own sendoffs?

At the age of 17, Alex Lewis was diagnosed with bone cancer. Not wanting to live his life based on his illness, within the span of three years, Lewis accomplished a lifetime’s worth of achievements – travelling the world, sky-diving, meeting and marrying the love of his life.

Despite knowing that any day could be his last, Lewis spoke openly and non-nonchalantly of his desire to be cremated and for his ashes to be scattered across Craven Cottage  (a football stadium in London, England). He wanted his family to remember him for who he was and for the accomplishments he had achieved. Shortly before his death at 22, he told his family that regardless of his debilitating disease, he had lived a full-life.

While Lewis knew his time was short, many people take for granted that planning ahead and informing family members of final wishes, is beneficial in the grieving process. Daily, stories of men and women in the prime of their lives are subject to unforeseeable accidents, or suffer sudden illnesses which cut their lives short. Hindsight is only 20/20 after all. But what if you wanted to be buried, what if you wanted to be cremated or have your ashes scattered across a sentimental park? Who would know if you haven’t told anyone?

Often people assume that this is covered in the will, but few know that a will is only an inventory list of the assets of your estate. There are no legal documents that stipulate how one’s body is to be disposed of or whether a particular song or prayer be recited. Often times, this is a decision chosen by family members when a funeral director presents them with these options. But those personal touches, favorite music, memorabilia and particular clothing are making their way into the funeral industry’s ever-evolving market place.

People want something memorable, something emotionally lifting, something personal, and whether you are 18 or 78. Despite being healthy, fit, or safety conscious, pre-planning your own sendoff is an opportunity to share with your family a way of personalizing a ceremony dedicated to the life you lived.

https://mysendoff.com/2013/01/planning-a-funeral-sendoff-is-not-just-for-older-people/

 

Should a Child or Children Attend a Funeral?

Should a Child or Children

 Attend
a Funeral? 

The funeral will have a long-term impact on the child, whether he attends or not.   Attending without appropriate education, information and support can leave a child confused and fearful.   Not attending can isolate a child and often leads to regret or resentment later.   Children should be given the opportunity to choose the level of participation they are comfortable with and not be pressured into making a decision based on parents' needs.   The most helpful thing a parent can do is to give the child choices.

Give the children clear explanations

of what will happen at the funeral

• Who will be at the funeral service?
• What is going to happen?
• Where will the service take place?
• When will the funeral happen?
• Why are we doing this?
• What is expected of the child?

 

What about viewing the body? 

Below is a list of important facts
a child might want
to know
before choosing to view the body.

 

The body is:  

 

• is in an open or a partially open casket
• is cool in temperature
• does not move
• cannot talk or see you
• will not come back to life
• may have markings, etc. from injury or illness
• will look and feel different than the person did before death
• may have a different smell 

What are the options for involving children

and teens in the memorial service? 

• Would you like to sleep at home or elsewhere tonight?
• What of the person's possessions, if any, would you like to keep?
• When do you think you will be ready to return to school?
• Do you want to see the cremated remains?
• Would you like to see the death certificate or the obituary?
• Would you like to participate in a support group?
• How would you like to memorialize the person on the anniversary or special occasions?
•  

After the memorial service / funeral 

• Would you like to sleep at home or elsewhere tonight?

• What of the person's possessions, if any, would you like to keep?

• When do you think you will be ready to return to school?

• Do you want to see the cremated remains?

• Would you like to see the death certificate or the obituary?

• Would you like to participate in a support group?

• How would you like to memorialize the person on the anniversary or special occasions?

            

Remember

Funerals do not have to be scary

for children or anyone.

It gives us a chance to 
say goodbye

to our loved one

and the way
things used to be. 

Advice from The Healing Place 

http://www.thehealingplaceinfo.org/funerals.html

Preparing a Eulogy: A Step-By-Step Guide

Preparing a Eulogy: 

A Step-By-Step Guide

Delivering a eulogy for a friend or family member is a wonderful way to participate in the funeral service. It is an opportunity to acknowledge the importance of the life lived, and to remind survivors of the memories and legacy left behind. Nearly any eulogy, if delivered with love and respect, can be considered a good one, and a funeral audience will be one of the most sympathetic and forgiving audiences you will ever find.

A funeral is a very important occasion and those in attendance are very emotionally fragile. Preparing and delivering a eulogy can make those unaccustomed to writing and public speaking very anxious. Understandably, the eulogist wants to get things right. The most important thing to remember as you go through this process is to focus on the deceased, rather than your own nerves and concerns. If you can do that you will be able to write a heartfelt tribute that expresses your feelings about the life you are there to remember and honor. Here is a step-by-step guide to help you create and deliver a meaningful eulogy.

Step One

Share stories and memories

One of the most wonderful and satisfying things we can do when we lose someone we love is to learn something new about that person from others. So whether you are preparing an obituary for someone you know intimately, or for a colleague, it’s a good idea to start out by gathering ideas and stories first. Set aside a couple of hours to share stories and talk about the deceased with family and friends. Write down stories and memorable sayings as you go along. Learning these stories will help bring to mind your memories of the deceased, and go a long way towards preparing your eulogy.

Step Two

Brainstorming and editing

 Brainstorming will be similar to your conversation with the family, only this time it’s just you. Write down any ideas that come to you about the deceased, whatever they happen to be. In this stage you don’t want to edit anything out. A small idea may lead to a great one, so just open up and allow any ideas to come out onto your paper. You’re looking for stories, perspectives, memories, music and food associated with that person; mental images about the life of the deceased. After you’ve brainstormed for an hour or so, step back and look at what you’ve got, along with the notes you took when talking with family and friends. Look for descriptive items that can paint a picture in the mind of the audience. Select the stories and images that stand out as being really representative of the personality of the deceased.

Step Three

Develop a theme

 The theme of your eulogy is a way to tie together some of the best stories, images, and impressions from your sessions into a somewhat unified piece. Don’t feel as though you need to make sense of the death, provide some profound insight, or ‘make things better’ by finding some silver lining or rationalization for the death. No one expects this of you, and trying to do this can make others feel like their grief is being minimized. It’s OK to just admit that the death is a terrible thing that we just don’t understand; that we are sad, hurt, even angry about the loss, but we’re gathered together to support one another and to remember our love for that person. Themes can be questions like:

 •“Who was Bob Miller?” A son, a husband, a brother, a mechanic, a sports fan…

 •“What makes a father special?” Giving you advice and letting you make mistakes on your own...

 •“What would this town be without Martha Evans?” No meals on wheels, no arts and crafts club, kids who never learned how to read…

These themes ask a question. The question is answered by all the stories and memories you’ve collected. Other themes could be:

 •"Courage in the face of adversity”

 •“He will live on through…”,

 •Metaphors, like “His life was like a garden”

 •A loosely organized series of stories like ‘All I know about life I learned from fishing with dad."

The themes are there if you look. Perhaps it’s:

 •"The kitchen was the center of our family"

 •"The seasons of her life"

 •"He showed his love through his actions, not his words"

 •"She taught us all the importance of thrift”

 •“She taught us all the importance of having a good time”

If you have trouble coming up with a theme, take a look at the "Quotes," "Readings," "Scripture and Prayers" and other resources on this site for inspiration. Adding a quote or a reading to a eulogy can help organize your pieces and add another level and perspective to your piece, but don’t try to force your pieces together to fit the quote or reading. The honesty of the stories is more important that any theme, so if the important ideas don’t fit, choose a more loosely organized theme like:

 •"All the different sides of Uncle Charlie," or

 •"What I learned from Mom"

You may find that more than one theme works best to present the material you have collected. That’s fine too. Your theme is important, but should be subordinate to your content. Ultimately, the overarching theme of any eulogy is simply "the life of this person was important to us."

Step Four

Weave your eulogy together

Now is the time to put all you’ve got in order. Write the draft out just as you would say it. Use your normal conversational vocabulary and tone, and avoid fancy or unfamiliar language. Don’t feel compelled to turn your tribute into a poem. What is important is clearly expressing your thoughts. Trying to do that and rhyme at the same time can work at cross-purposes.

A funeral is not the time to ‘set the record straight’ on contentious or unresolved issues. That would be a help and comfort to no one. It is important to work through these issues, but not at the funeral. Your eulogy needs to be a kind and respectful tribute, and it can be honest in spirit without going into detail about shortcomings or attacking the deceased. If you feel that you cannot give your eulogy without announcing to the world that mother had a drinking problem, or that Uncle Rex was unfaithful to Aunt Betty, let someone else deliver it. Start out your eulogy with a statement of your theme; a quote or reading that illustrates your theme, or a story that does the same. Whatever your theme, think of it as an ‘argument’ that you ‘prove’ in the body of your eulogy. If your theme is a question, you will answer that question with various examples though your eulogy. Don’t be afraid of getting things exactly right at this stage, just get it all down, then take a break and come back to it with fresh eyes.

Step Five- Add and edit 

Does your eulogy make sense? Do your examples prove the point of your theme? Have you included the most important milestones in the person’s life? Have you included too many details? Would a quotation, a poem, or a prayer add something meaningful? Now is the time to make structural changes before you polish it all up. Think twice about anything that may be in questionable taste for a mixed audience, or may be too sensitive to discuss publicly. If you are in doubt about this, run it by someone you trust. Another important idea to keep in mind is that while the eulogy may mention many people including you, it needs to be focused on the deceased. If your eulogy mentions you more than the deceased there is a problem.

Step Six- Practice 

Once you are pleased with reading the eulogy over in your head, it’s time to read it aloud. Practice reading clearly and slowly; giving your audience enough time to hear and understand all your hard work. Practice and practice again. The more familiar you are with your piece, the easier it will be to catch yourself if you falter, to look up from your notes and engage with your audience, and to put feeling and emphasis into your speech. Time yourself to see if your piece is too long or too short. A good guide is about 15 minutes. If you go longer than 20 minutes, you may have overstepped your bounds. If your eulogy is shorter than 5 minutes, you may not have said enough.

Step Seven - Speak Slowly and Clearly

When you deliver your eulogy, be sure to speak slowly and clearly.

Make sure you have a copy of your eulogy written out in large enough type that you can read it easily. Keep a glass of water, a cough drop, and a handkerchief handy as well. If you falter, or are overcome with emotion, allow yourself to cry (no apologies are necessary) and resume reading when you can. Try to look at the audience at least occasionally, and at the family as much as you can. Feel free to gesture with your hands, but try not to fidget. If there is a microphone available, use it. Delivering a eulogy is a great honor. Friends and family will be forgiving of mistakes, and grateful to you for this gift. Throughout it all, remember that this is about the deceased, not about you. Most eulogies are prepared and delivered by people unaccustomed to writing and public speaking. Great oratory and profound insights are not expected, and are not even the point of a eulogy.  

What makes a great eulogy 

is a heartfelt message of love 

for the deceased, 

and stories reminding us 

of why we all share that love. 

 If you deliver that message in a clear, straightforward manner, you will have succeeded.

http://www.remembranceprocess.com/content/9/42-preparing-a-eulogy

Telford's Burial & Cremation Centre Mid-Vancouver Island, BC Canada