Learning to Grieve on Social Media
Whether publicly or via intimate messages, people’s Facebook
interactions with the dead mimic the grieving rituals we’ve held throughout
time.
In Mexico, families honor their departed ancestors by
leaving marigolds, baked goods and favorite possessions of the dead on altars.
Similar to this Dia de los Muertos, Facebook users share cherished memories and
stories, post favorite photos, inside jokes and “gifts” on their late loved
ones’ Facebook timelines.
“People have built cemeteries and monuments in remembrance
for as long as we’ve existed. Now those memories are digital,” says Margaret
Carpo. Her friend died in a car accident in the Philippines in 2009, but her
family continues to keep her Facebook Timeline active.
Western society especially presumes that individuals can
overcome grief by emotionally detaching themselves from the deceased, says
cyberanthropology expert Michaelanne Dye. “However, in the past 20 years,
researchers have begun to explore the healthy benefits of maintaining a tie to
the deceased… Considering this, Facebook appears to be a natural way for people
to work through grief over the loss of a loved one.”
Dye also points to an evolving practice of identity
construction, which makes dealing with grief in the Facebook era all that more
nuanced. Today, identities are co-constructed through social media
interactions. “Therefore, the deceased’s online identity not only continues in
the virtual space; it can also evolve and adapt as others continue to interact
with the dead person’s profile,” says Dye.
Some of those interactions, however, infuriated Dunham as
she returned to interact with her dead partner’s Facebook profile. She diagnosed
some of Cheryl’s Facebook friends with what she calls “social necrophilia,” the
eager scramble to prove one maintained a close connection with the deceased.
“Everyone always wants to pretend they knew the dead person
better than they do,” says Dunham. “For example, one person wrote, ‘You’re
drinking champagne in heaven with my grandfather right now.’ This was
ludicrous: Cheryl was a staunch atheist and she had 10 years sober, which was
something she wrote about a lot.”
Andrew Ross lost his wife Debra to cancer two years and
eight months ago. He feels that Debra’s Facebook friends seem detached from
sincere grief.
“Most Facebook friends are pretty shallow,” he says. “There
is not the depth of true emotions such as one would get in a real relationship.
A lot of people respond in an overly emotional manner that seems to play on
showing others how deeply they feel, whether it is true or not. It mostly
strikes me as false and unpleasant. I got no comfort from the experience.”
Ross has mixed feelings about maintaining Debra’s Facebook
profile and permanently deleting her presence there altogether. “At some point
I feel her page should be deleted permanently. She is gone and it should be
too,” he says.
Social media etiquette surrounding death is a delicate and
highly subjective construct. What one person views as good judgment could
translate as incredibly poor taste or downright offensive to others.
Julie Spira authored The Rules of Netiquette: How to Mind
Your Digital Manners, wherein she talks about how to approach the “social media
obituary.” In an email interview with Mashable, she praises people who honor
the dead by celebrating that person’s memories and accomplishments on Facebook.
However, she has also encountered instances she believes exemplify shockingly
poor taste: “When a woman posted a photo of her newly deceased husband just
prior to the ambulance arriving to take him to the morgue. It was grotesque and
made many people uncomfortable.”
By this point, many people have learned that their friends
and family have very different ideas of what constitutes “normal” grieving —
especially when someone takes his or her grief public on social networks.
For many, grieving through social media is more comfortable
than real-life interactions, which is why some people encounter what they
translate as odd or callous behavior from fellow users. Dye adds, “Facebook
provides a way for people to grieve publicly and receive feedback and support
from others, while not forcing them to endure these painful interactions face-to-face,
which, for some, might be an easier and healthier way for them to work through
their grief.
“In the physical world, methods of mourning vary across
cultures, as well as among individuals within the same culture. This also holds
true in the online world.”
Grief therapist Lisa Leonard adds that grief varies wildly
for each individual, and that it usually doesn’t progress orderly, like steps
in a staircase. That being said, she can clearly identify the stages of grief
(denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) in her friends’ Facebook
behavior.
But Leonard believes that social media can actually ease the
process for some. “Being able to access the lost one’s profile after death is
beneficial,” she says. “It allows a connection to others who loved him or her,
a source of memories and humor to share and an opportunity to say ‘goodbye’ or
‘I’m missing you’ in a way that can soften the blow and move the healing
along.”
Sharing from Connecting Directors.com
