Grief Myths and Denial of Pain

Grief Myths

The myth of grief that one can handle everything on his/her own is a form of denial of the problem Grief myths are self defense systems within our own mental and cognitive functioning where we utilize denial as a way to ward off pain or disturbing thoughts.  Thoughts of death, or the reality of death can sometimes become overbearing and naturally denial seeps in.  Denial is a natural reaction within the process of grief, but if we hold onto these myths of denial for too long a period, they can become pathological.

 

The myth of grief that one can handle everything on
his/her own is a form of denial of the problem

The first four myths listed here are personal and reflect how people attempt to dismiss pain when in grief.

1.  I can handle this on my own

2. I do not need to talk about this to anyone

3. They cannot tell how upset I am

4. My pain, anger or fear will eventually go away on its own

As one can see, the person wishes to avoid the subject that causes the pain and over internalizes his/her problems thinking that eventually the grief will go away without having to face it.  In this cases, counselors need to eventually and gently prod the person into talking about the loss in order for healing to begin.

The final two myths involve one’s own perception of death and is a universal human defense system that hopes to alienate one from the death and reality that thousands face everyday.

1. Bad things happen to other people, not me

2. If I do not think about it, nothing like that will ever happen to me

These myths obviously involve extreme denial and potential fear of death itself.  They also lead to laxity when it comes to prevention of other possible future hardships.  The man who experiences occasional heart pains will refuse to get checked out because he does not wish to acknowledge the potential problems that could cause death.  In other areas natural disasters become distant stories with no true meaning.  The one who watches the news and sees a person tragically loses his/her home to a tornado feels his/her home is protected from such disaster.  These potential realities are merely too much for this person to accept and they ignore these things almost as if they are fairy tales.  The truth is, they share the same temporal reality and a traumatic event can occur at any moment.

If you are interested in bereavement education, please review the program.

(Information for this article was found in “Helping Grieving People-When Tears Are Not Enough by J. Shep Jeffreys)

 Mark Moran, MA, GC-C, SCC-C

Borrowed from AIHCP Health Care Blog

Caleb Wilde: How to Speak the Language of Grief

HOW TO SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF GRIEF

By Caleb Wilde

You walk into a house full of fresh grief.  It’s fresh because the death just occurred.  Your best friend’s husband went out to the bar last night, drowned his hard day in hard drink and he never made it back home.  Fresh.  Because both you and your friend have never experienced death this close.

You open the door like you have so many times before, but this time the familiarity of the house is unexpected different, dark and lonely.  What once housed parties, life and love now houses something you’ve never known before.  Like a river, everything is in the same place it was when you last saw it, but this home has changed.

You see your friend’s children sitting on the sofa, staring into space.

You ask them, “Where’s your mom?”

And as you reach to hug them, they snap back to reality and whisper, “Upstairs.”

Each step brings you closer to what you know is only an apparition of your friend.  The nerves build.  Fear begins to build.  You repress it as you ready yourself to meet your closest friend who has all of a sudden become someone you may no longer know.

“Can I come in?” you ask.  No response.

You push open the cracked bedroom door and see the body of your friend collapsed on her bed, with used tissues surrounding her like a moat.

You tip-toe into the room, slowly sit down on the bed, and not sure if she’s awake or asleep, you reach for your friends shoulder and begin rubbing her back.  Her blood shot eyes open, look at you and then, they slowly look through you.

You fill the weird silence with an “It’s going to be alright”.

“It’s not”, she whispers.  “I’m alone with two kids and no job.”  Her voice suddenly raises as anger courses through her body, “Why the f*** would he do this to me?”

The curse word chides you into recognizing that you’ve not only misspoken, but you’ve spoken too soon, so you decide to wait in silence.  She starts to cry.  You respond to her tears with your own.  Even though you want to respond with words, you know this isn’t the time for words.  There’s no perfection words here.  There’s no perfect anything here.  And so you wait.

You stay.  Listen.  Silence.  You take her pain into your soul.  Hours pass.  She rises out of bed and makes the children dinner.

You’ve spoken, not with words or advice; not by trying to solve the problem; nor by placing a limit on your time.  You’ve taken the uncomfortable silence, allow the grace for tears, for brokenness; you’ve allowed yourself to sit in the unrest without trying to fix it.

With your presence.  With your love.  In your honest acknowledgement of real loss, you’ve spoken the language of grief.

Although the language of grief is usually spoken in love, presence and time, sometimes it’s spoken in words.  And when it is, here are five practical “do”s and “don’ts”

The “DON’T”S:

1.       At least she lived a long life, many people die young

2.       He is in a better place

3.       She brought this on herself

4.       There is a reason for everything

5.       Aren’t you over him yet, he has been dead for awhile now

The “DO”S:

1.       I am so sorry for your loss.

2.       I wish I had the right words, just know I care.

3.       I don’t know how you feel, but I am here to help in anyway I can.

4.       You and your loved one will be in my thoughts and prayers.

5.       My favorite memory of your loved one is…

Caleb Wilde has many well written and insightful articles about death and dying... go to his website "Confessions of a Funeral Director" for more http://www.calebwilde.com/

Taken from 
http://www.leannepenny.com/2012/03/12/how-to-speak-the-language-of-grief/

When Our Memories Smell Like Us

When Our Memories Smell Like Us

Posted by Caleb Wilde

Four months after Newtown, People magazine has published a series called, “Life After Newtown Shootings” where the parents describe their grief and how they are coping.  It’s a beautiful series and well-worth your time and the three dollar Kleenex box that you’ll go through.

One of the parents mentions that she still sleeps with her son’s pajamas so that she can be soothed by “his smell.”  Certainly, considering the tragedy of Newtown, there is nothing abnormal about her practice.  In fact, it’s healthy and I can’t help but feel the heaviness of her grief as I think about it.

  

Here’s a question: A what point has her son’s smell disappeared and what she thinks is her son’s smell is actually her own smell.  At what point in sleeping with his pajamas have they stopped smelling like her son and started to smell like her?

At funerals, you’ll often hear people say, “Cathy lives on in all of our memories” or, “Cathy will never die as longs as we remember her.”

There’s a difficulty that comes with remembering our loved one.

I remember an old man, who was married to his late wife for over 50 years, stopped into funeral home to pay his bill and he said, “I both grieve the loss of my wife and the distortion of my memories of her.  Even now, when I remember her, I ask myself, “Is this memory real or is it my mind’s adaptation of her?  I only want to remember the good, but I miss the bad and messy nearly as much because it’s who she was.”

There’s a time when the smell on the pajamas becomes our own.  There’s a time when memories are distorted by our desires for comfort.  But, this is why we must grieve in community … so that community can help us piece together the real.

Grief must take place in community!  We have to share, we have to be vulnerable with our friends and family.

Share at your family dinners … over the holidays.

Be brave and ask your parents old friends about mom/dad.  Ask your child’s friends … your spouse’s co-workers.

Have people write down their memories.

Talk.  Talk. Talk.  

Talk about your deceased loved one.  Don’t let the memories die.  Don’t let them become distorted.

About the author
Caleb Wilde

I'm a sixth generation funeral director. I have a grad degree in Missional Theology. And I like to read and write.

Connect with my writing and book plans by "liking" me on facebook. And keep tabs with my blog via subscription or twitter.

http://www.calebwilde.com/

www.connectingdirectors.com

WHAT TO DO WHEN SOMEONE DIES

WHAT TO DO WHEN SOMEONE DIES

Here you can learn what to do if a friend or loved one has just died or if death is expected sometime soon. The following guides will take you through the steps of arranging a funeral from making the first call when someone dies to the various arrangements to be made following the funeral.

    FIRST CALL -- The deceased is still at the place of death  

    and a"first call" needs to be made to arrange for  

    transportation of the deceased to a funeral home or other  

    funeral service facility.      

    DECEASED TRANSPORTATION -- The First Call  

     results in an initial transfer of the deceased from the place

     of death to a funeral home.   In this case, it would be to  

     Telford’s Burial & Cremation Centre’s modernized     

     facilities, to insure that your deceased loved one is given 

the respect and care due to them and your peace of mind. 

  

ARRANGEMENT APPOINTMENT -- Planning a funeral involves making many decisions concerning funeral ceremonies, funeral products and final disposition of the body by burial or cremation.   We have highly qualified and experienced Funeral Directors who will walk you through the process at this appointment.

INFORMATION TO BRING WITH YOU 

You will need to supply the information listed here for the Vital Statistics Office: 

• Deceased's Full Legal Name – Birth Certificate or other legal document showing the name.

• Birth Date
• Care Card Number
• SIN Number
• Marital Status
• Occupation
• Birth Place of deceased
• Father’s Name and Birth Place
• Mother’s Name (Maiden surname) and Birth Place

Other topics to consider before the Arrangement Appointment:

Interment Arrangements -- Did the deceased express certain wishes before their death?  What are  you considering?

Cemetery Burial
Mausoleum Entombment
Cremation
Donation to Medical Science

 

Funeral Services

Traditional Service
Memorial Service
Graveside Service
Interment Only 
 

    Additional Services ...

                   Embalming
                                  DNA Sample
                                                Out-of-town Transportation

1. CEMETERY ARRANGEMENTS -- Our funeral directors can make these arrangements on behalf of a family, getting the proper permits and other necessary provisions that are necessary.

2.  FUNERAL AND MEMORIAL PRODUCTS -- There are various options for purchasing caskets, grave markers, and other funeral merchandise.  We have a large selection of products for you to see from the basic to the moderately priced.

3.    ESTATE, FINANCIAL AND ADMINISTRATIVE   

         MATTERS 

    Following the funeral, the affairs of the deceased must be put in order. These matters range from sending death notices to filing death benefit claims to changing title of the deceased's assets. A lawyer or notary would be advisable if the estate is over $10,000.   Government forms need to be filled and processed by the Service Canada office... for the Death Benefit and Survivor Benefits.  The Funeral Director can help you organize the government forms and paperwork that you will need. 

Here are a few sites to check out for information 

regarding notification of a death... 

Canada Pension Plan  http://www.servicecanada.gc.ca/eng/isp/cpp/cpptoc.shtml

For the Executor or Administrator see http://www.lawyers-bc.com/probate/articles/check.htme

Canadian Tax and Financial Information    http://www.taxtips.ca/willsandestates/whattodo.htm

Canada Revenue Agency   http://www.cra-arc.gc.ca/tx/ndvdls/lf-vnts/dth/menu-eng.html