Five Regrets of the Dying

Top five regrets of the dying

A nurse has recorded the most common regrets of the dying, and among the top ones is 'I wish I hadn't worked so hard'. What would your biggest regret be if this was your last day of life?

There was no mention of more sex or bungee jumps. A palliative nurse who has counselled the dying in their last days has revealed the most common regrets we have at the end of our lives. And among the top, from men in particular, is 'I wish I hadn't worked so hard'.

Bronnie Ware is an Australian nurse who spent several years working in palliative care, caring for patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives. She recorded their dying epiphanies in a blog called Inspiration and Chai, which gathered so much attention that she put her observations into a book called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.

Ware writes of the phenomenal clarity of vision that people gain at the end of their lives, and how we might learn from their wisdom. "When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently," she says, "common themes surfaced again and again."

A palliative nurse has recorded the top five regrets of the dying. Photograph: Montgomery Martin/Alamy

Here are the top five regrets of the dying, as witnessed by Ware:

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

"This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it."

2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.

"This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence."

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

"Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result."

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

"Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying."

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

"This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again."

What's your greatest regret so far, and what will you set out to achieve or change before you die?

Taken from 

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/feb/01/top-five-regrets-of-the-dying?INTCMP=SRCH&fb=native#_=_

What if I die without a will? For the United States

What if I die without a will?  

Info for the United States

Dying without a will - known as dying "intestate" - means you have no say over who receives your assets, and can leave your heirs and the court system the complex and costly job of wrangling over who should get what.

Your assets go into what's called "probate" - an expensive and drawn out legal process which determines who inherits your estate, and can take anywhere from a few months to a few years, depending on how complicated the estate is.

So-called intestacy laws vary considerably from state to state. In general, though, if you die and leave a spouse and kids, your assets will be split between your surviving mate and children. If you're single with no children, then the state is likely to decide who among your blood relatives will inherit your estate.

Probate is a fancy term for the legal process that occurs after a person dies. The probate court system must first validate that the will is authentic, and then proceed to distribute the estate among the heirs. When a person leaves no will, the probate court must decide, according to the laws of the state, who gets what.

Probate is an expensive process and can take anywhere from a few months to a few years, depending on how complicated the estate is. If you want to spare your heirs the hassle of probate, there are a few ways to avoid the process, such as a revocable living trust.

http://money.cnn.com/retirement/guide/estateplanning_wills.moneymag/index6.htm

  What Happens When a Person Dies Without a Will?

By Katherine at Legal Language
Posted on 07/21/2010
In Legal Resources

Many people put off creating a will for many years, but what happens if you die without one?

Whether you are young or old, rich or poor, you should consider creating a will or trust. When a person dies without a will, an already difficult situation can become a complicated legal mess for the person’s loved ones.

The State Is Involved

When a person dies without a will, it is said that the person died “intestate.” Each state has intestacy laws in place which determine who is entitled to the deceased’s property and assets.

While intestacy laws vary slightly from state to state, they generally follow the same path, especially for smaller estates. If someone dies without a will but owns no property and has assets of less than $100,000, no formal court proceeding is required. Family members can file a Declaration of Small Estate through a bank or even the DMV and are then allowed to collect and split the deceased’s assets.

If property is involved, however, collecting the estate becomes more complicated.

Property & Relationships Are Involved

When a person dies without a will and owns property, the process varies considerably based on the deceased’s relationship status.

If the person who dies without a will is single with or without children, the process is generally easier than if the deceased is married or has a domestic partner.

What If the Person Who Dies Without a Will Is Single?

If a person who is not married dies without a will, the person’s estate goes to his or her child or is split evenly between multiple children.

If the person who dies without a will has no children, then the estate goes to his or her parents. If the parents are deceased, the estate is split among siblings.

What If the Person Who Dies Without a Will Is Married?

State laws vary far more widely if a person dies without a will and leaves behind a spouse or domestic partner, children and other relatives.

If there are children in the relationship, they may inherit up to two-thirds of the estate while the spouse receives the remainder.

If there are no children in the relationship, the surviving spouse may inherit the entire estate — or, depending on the state, as little as one-third of the property and assets, with the rest going to the parents and siblings of the deceased.

Excerpts from http://www.legallanguage.com/legal-articles/dies-without-a-will/

Dying Without a Will in Canada

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Written by The Editors

When someone dies without a will, or a will cannot be located, or is located but is deemed invalid, the person is said to have died intestate. Provincial laws deal with this situation, as each province has a potential interest in the deceased person's estate. The assets owned by the deceased at time of death are known as that person's estate. Any debts the person owed need to be paid out of the estate, and anything remaining (the "residue" of the estate) can be divided among the heirs of the deceased person. Note that taxes are a debt. So far, this is the same as what happens when someone dies with a valid will. The difference is, when you die with a valid will, distribution is usually done by the person you appointed as your executor, according to the wishes you expressed in your will. Administration When a person dies intestate, family members may apply to the courts to act as the estate administrator (sometimes know as the estate trustee). If the court provides a certificate of appointment, the administrator must identify and settle all debts in the estate. If anything remains, the administrator must then determine how to divide the residue and must try to locate and obtain the agreement to the division from legal heirs (the usual order or priority is: spouse, children, parents, brothers and sisters, and more distant family such as nieces and nephews). If no member of the immediate family of the deceased is willing to act as administrator, or none is able to take on the task, then the court may appoint a trust company to undertake the task. Problems If the assets of he deceased person have some value, the risk of conflicts among potential heirs is high. In the absence of a will, the individual acting as the administrator of the estate is likely to be confronted with emotional claims ("I was always her favorite", or "He promised me I would get ...") and there is a strong possibility that cooperation in the process will not happen. Solution Write your will! We all like to think we will live a long time, and many of us have a superstitious fear of preparing a will. Reality, however, dictates that accidents and sudden, fatal illness will take some people much sooner than anyone would have predicted. Once you start acquiring assets of value — a home, a pension plan, investments, and similar — you should prepare your first will. Review your will once a year after you write it (a good time is when you are doing your annual tax return and thinking about your assets), and update it as needed. A small effort on your part may save your family a lot of unnecessary pain and conflict. http://www.self-counsel.com/news/law/wills-and-estates/256-dying-without-a-will-in-canada.html

Caleb Wilde -- Coping with Death

I Am the Creator of the Good

By Caleb Wilde

"...When we think about the inevitable, how do we lift our heads?  How do we not just close our eyes and ask for the mercy of eternal sleep?

You will die...I will die...

Maybe painful.   Maybe today, robbing me of watching my son grow.  Or maybe I die old, the last of my family, alone.  Or, maybe I will see my son die, unable to stop an inevitability that is stronger than I.

And yet, I’m reminded, as I sit paralyzed that although from dirt I was made, I am no longer.

“Stand up, child of God, so I can speak to you.  Stand up.  You were made in my image, you will create.  You will create what is good.  Stand up, so I can speak to you.”

So I stand.  I will not be paralyzed by what I cannot change, I will learn to smile.  I will be vulnerable.  I will stop and look at the stars, the flowers, the beauty of the snow, the fading transience of a passing sunset.  I will always have time to talk to you, to stop and help you and to be your friend.  Each day will be my masterpiece; each day, as I lay down my head to rest, I will see that it was good.

I will be the creator of the good.  I will be like God.  I will speak it into existence."

               

About the author

Caleb Wilde        

I'm a sixth generation funeral director. I have a grad degree in Missional Theology. And I like to read and write. Connect with my writing and book plans by "liking" me on facebook. And keep tabs with my blog via subscription or twitter.

Confessions of a Funeral Director  http://www.calebwilde.com/

Excerpts from an article taken from:

http://connectingdirectors.com/articles/38632-i-am-the-creator-of-the-good-caleb-wilde

Planning A Funeral Sendoff is Not Just for Older People

Planning A Funeral Sendoff

is Not Just for Older People

by M-Gillies

No one talks about their imminent death.

 

Death is that taboo

most people tuck under the rug

and pretend isn’t there.

 

Death is shunned.

 

 Death is he-who-shall-not-be-named!!

 

Death well it happens,

whether you want it to or not...

One day we all end up taking the dirt nap, kicking the bucket, or fertilizing the lawn as we take a one-way ticket to our afterlife. Death, unlike most things in life, is not picky – it does not discriminate between who lives and who dies. There is no age cap on death, so why should we feel the need to wait until we are older before pre-planning our own sendoffs?

At the age of 17, Alex Lewis was diagnosed with bone cancer. Not wanting to live his life based on his illness, within the span of three years, Lewis accomplished a lifetime’s worth of achievements – travelling the world, sky-diving, meeting and marrying the love of his life.

Despite knowing that any day could be his last, Lewis spoke openly and non-nonchalantly of his desire to be cremated and for his ashes to be scattered across Craven Cottage  (a football stadium in London, England). He wanted his family to remember him for who he was and for the accomplishments he had achieved. Shortly before his death at 22, he told his family that regardless of his debilitating disease, he had lived a full-life.

While Lewis knew his time was short, many people take for granted that planning ahead and informing family members of final wishes, is beneficial in the grieving process. Daily, stories of men and women in the prime of their lives are subject to unforeseeable accidents, or suffer sudden illnesses which cut their lives short. Hindsight is only 20/20 after all. But what if you wanted to be buried, what if you wanted to be cremated or have your ashes scattered across a sentimental park? Who would know if you haven’t told anyone?

Often people assume that this is covered in the will, but few know that a will is only an inventory list of the assets of your estate. There are no legal documents that stipulate how one’s body is to be disposed of or whether a particular song or prayer be recited. Often times, this is a decision chosen by family members when a funeral director presents them with these options. But those personal touches, favorite music, memorabilia and particular clothing are making their way into the funeral industry’s ever-evolving market place.

People want something memorable, something emotionally lifting, something personal, and whether you are 18 or 78. Despite being healthy, fit, or safety conscious, pre-planning your own sendoff is an opportunity to share with your family a way of personalizing a ceremony dedicated to the life you lived.

https://mysendoff.com/2013/01/planning-a-funeral-sendoff-is-not-just-for-older-people/