When Our Memories Smell Like Us
Posted by Caleb Wilde
Four months after Newtown, People magazine has published a
series called, “Life After Newtown Shootings” where the parents describe their
grief and how they are coping. It’s a
beautiful series and well-worth your time and the three dollar Kleenex box that
you’ll go through.
One of the parents mentions that she still sleeps with her
son’s pajamas so that she can be soothed by “his smell.” Certainly, considering the tragedy of
Newtown, there is nothing abnormal about her practice. In fact, it’s healthy and I can’t help but
feel the heaviness of her grief as I think about it.
Here’s a question: A what point has her son’s smell
disappeared and what she thinks is her son’s smell is actually her own
smell. At what point in sleeping with
his pajamas have they stopped smelling like her son and started to smell like
her?
At funerals, you’ll often hear people say, “Cathy lives on
in all of our memories” or, “Cathy will never die as longs as we remember her.”
There’s a difficulty that comes with remembering our loved
one.
I remember an old man, who was married to his late wife for
over 50 years, stopped into funeral home to pay his bill and he said, “I both
grieve the loss of my wife and the distortion of my memories of her. Even now, when I remember her, I ask myself,
“Is this memory real or is it my mind’s adaptation of her? I only want to remember the good, but I miss
the bad and messy nearly as much because it’s who she was.”
There’s a time when the smell on the pajamas becomes our
own. There’s a time when memories are
distorted by our desires for comfort.
But, this is why we must grieve in community … so that community can
help us piece together the real.
Grief must take place in community! We have to share, we have to be vulnerable
with our friends and family.
Share at your family dinners … over the holidays.
Be brave and ask your parents old friends about
mom/dad. Ask your child’s friends … your
spouse’s co-workers.
Have people write down their memories.
Talk. Talk.
Talk.
Talk about your deceased loved
one. Don’t let the memories die. Don’t let them become distorted.
About the authorCaleb Wilde
I'm a sixth generation funeral director. I have a grad
degree in Missional Theology. And I like to read and write.
Connect with my writing and book plans by "liking"
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