Ten Reasons We Are NOT Vulnerable with Each Other

Ten Reasons We Are NOT Vulnerable 

with Each Other

Article from: Caleb Wilde, CalebWilde.com

When we experience the death of a love one, it asks us to be willing to reach out to others, express ourselves and work through our grief with another.  Yet, few of us are willing to be vulnerable, to the detriment of our grief work … to the detriment of our relationships … to the detriment of our humanity.  The axiom is this: grief shared is grief diminished; grief repressed is grief magnified.

Here’s 10 reasons why we aren’t vulnerable:

One.  Vulnerable = needy.  Nobody wants to be seen as needy.  The image of a sniveling child, begging the help of their parent is so infantile.  We’ve grown out of that.  We’re adults.  We stand on our own.

But, vulnerability isn’t the same as neediness.  Vulnerability is a sign, not of dependence, but of a strength that bespeaks of our ability to be so confident in who we are that we’re willing to allow others to help define us.

Two.  Vulnerability means giving control to someone else.  Vulnerability is a giving of ourselves to someone else and allowing the response of the other to actually affect, change and/or hurt us.  If you’ve been hurt, if you’ve been abused and mistreated, vulnerability is next to impossible.  But, oddly, it’s when we’ve regained control and allowed ourselves to be vulnerable again that we know we’re beginning to move past our abuse.

Three.  This piggybacks off of number two.  Vulnerability means trusting that someone else will take that control and treat it gently and with respect.  By giving someone else control over you in your vulnerable state, you’re committing an act of trust.  We should choose wisely who we are vulnerable with.  Only those we trust.

Four.  Fear of being gossiped about.  “Did you see that post Caleb wrote on his blog last week?  He talked about suicide, leaving God and his wife.  He’s sooo … just sooo effed-up.”  And while we all appreciate concern, when we’re vulnerable and others see it, they will talk.  So be it.

Five.  Vulnerability can create misinterpretation.  It’s one thing to be talked about, it’s an entirely different thing to be misinterpreted.  Others will see it as weakness.  Other’s will see it as being needy.  Other’s will see this small chapter in your life and use that chapter to define your story.  “He’s so weak.  He’s messed up.”  Vulnerability isn’t weakness.  When done well, vulnerability is STRENGTH.

You can survive the gossip and misinterpretation because your story will shine brighter when this chapter is included.

Six:  Vulnerability is ungodlike.  At least that’s what we’re told.  In our pursuit to be like gods (and like God), we assume that we have to always be in control, always in control of our emotions; we might find that we’re trying to be like a god that doesn’t exist.  It would seem that God is weak, that God shows emotions … that God bleeds.

Seven.  Vulnerability doesn’t equal masculinity.   Who defines masculinity anyways?  I get it, in traditional cultures, men were the ones who were supposed to be strong, impervious to their emotions so they could fight through the difficulties of finding a way to provide for the family.

But, if you’re reading this, you don’t live in a traditional culture.  So be strong, learn to communicate your emotions and be weak.

Eight.  We associate vulnerability with an uncontrolled emotional state.  Wrong.  Vulnerability is intelligently expressing your troubles, concerns and pains.  Emotions come with vulnerability; but vulnerability isn’t simply emotions.

Nine.  Vulnerability often involves a move away from our pride and an admission that we are indeed in need of help.  Pride.  Keeps us from doing things we’re not good at.  This is where statements such as, “You can’t see me like this” come from.  Why can’t we see you like this?  Because seeing you like this might make us think that you’re human?

Ten.  I’m just not good at vulnerability.  Most of us aren’t.  We’ve been taught that it’s ungodlike, uncontrolled, too emotional, too needy, too trusting, too out of control, subject to misinterpretation and so on and so forth.   So, you don’t do it.  You aren’t vulnerable.

“If you’re lost and alone, if you’re sinking like a stone”, find someone you trust and commit an act of strength; an act that will help you grow; an act that will help your story move onward; an act that will increase your self-confidence.

 

For many of us, the ONLY time we will find the strength to be vulnerable is when we are dying; change up your story and be vulnerable in both life and death.

Welcome.  Welcome to the state of vulnerability.  Welcome to the state of humanity.

ABOUT  THE AUTHOR

I'm a sixth generation funeral director. I have a grad degree in Missional Theology. And I like to read and write. Connect with my writing and book plans by "liking" me on facebook. And keep tabs with my blog via subscription or twitter.

The World’s Only Pirate Cemetery

by MSO

Actor Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow romanticized the lives of pirates in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies but in real life, many of these pirates were bloodthirsty tyrants and murderers and some of the most successful criminals in history.

Ile Sainte-Marie, a small island off the coast of Madagascar was once home to more than 1,000 pirates from 1688-1721 and is believed to have the world’s only pirate cemetery. The pirates sailed mostly from England, Portugal, France and America to make this island off the coast of Madagascar a home, a hideout and a strategic place to ply their trade on the open seas and divvy up the spoils of successful raids. Some were privateers who turned pirate others chose that way of life because as Apple founder Steve Jobs once said, “It’s more fun to be a pirate than to join the navy.”

Ile Sainte-Marie was home to many famous pirates including Captain William Kidd, a Scottish pirate who, when finally caught, was executed for plying his trade. Robert Culliford who was an English pirate once sailed with William Kidd before leading a mutiny against him. Culliford realized much wealth as a pirate at one time plundering over $200,000 cash after capturing a ship off the coast of Ile Sainte-Marie. Others including Olivier Levasseur, Henry Every, Abraham Samuel and Thomas Tew lived and raised families on the island. There are even pirate ships that lie only a few meters under the waters in the bay.

The Pirates’ Cemetery is situated on a point with the Indian Ocean’s waters visible through the palms and overgrown grass. About thirty once elaborate tombstones remain, though locals say there were once hundreds. The island has experienced regular cylones and with its rainforest climate the stones deteriorated over the centuries. There is a large black tomb in the center of the cemetery that locals say is the final resting place of Captain Kidd, buried there in an upright position to punish him for his crimes. However that tale was made up to boost the tourist trade in the area. Captain Kidd was captured after burying his treasure on Gardiners Island, New York before being taken to England in chains where he was hanged.

Though many of the names on the tombstones at the Pirates’ Cemetery are no longer legible the skulls, crossbones and swords etched into the rock still remain along with messages from the pirates asking their fellow countrymen to “pray for them”.

https://mysendoff.com/2013/03/the-worlds-only-pirate-cemetery/

A Tower for the Dead

Deep in the Earth, A Tower for the Dead 

by A-Badgero

Man began burying their dead mainly for sanitary reasons. Before the invention of antiseptics when a person died of a illness such as tuberculosis immediate removal of the body was very important for the safety of the rest of the family. The burying of the body was not only the quickest way to stop any prolonged exposure but also easiest method to ensure that carrion eating predators were not attracted.

The tradition of burying the dead dates back over 130,000 years with the first burials discovered having  goods buried with them making it the first evidence of religious practices  and the belief of an afterlife taking place. Once the idea of an afterlife was established the act of burying became an important ritual that the majority of cultures practiced.

In 2011 the Earth’s population reached 7 billion bringing to light more than ever the issues of over-population and the scarcity of available land which have become a huge concern in many of the world’s most populated regions. What will become of our tradition once we run out of ground space in which to inter our dead? Man kind has always prided themselves on their ability to adapt to new situations which exactly what we need to do in order to combat these increasing concerns.

Architectural designers entering the field are being challenged with the task of addressing many of the world’s problems with smarter building designs. Building upwards or downwards is quickly becoming the norm when trying to achieve more space.

Mexico City is a prime example of a region that has a growing, aging population and very little available land. Land that is available is usually on the outskirts of town and would be better used for agricultural development rather than burying the dead. Federal law in Mexico dictates that no historical buildings are to be demolished and imposed height regulations not allowing new structures to exceed 8 stories high.

Israel Lopez, Elsa Mendoza Andres and Moises Adrian submitted their design for an inverted vertical eco-graveyard to the Evolo’s 2011 Skyscraper Competition and received honorable mention for the concept. The “Tower of the Dead” project proposes that an underground cemetery would be a practical solution for freeing up valuable space in crowded Mexico City and is meant to be an architectural representation of the grieving process. The idea is that family members will feel symbolically reborn once they return from their trip to the underworld where they laid their loved one to rest.

The depth of the different levels is meant to symbolize the different levels of the grief process beginning with shock and ending with resolution and readjustment at the bottom level. The building design resembles that of a giant screw with levels twisting downward until reaching the final floor at almost 1,000 feet below surface level.

Each chamber has a specific purpose, for instance one of the concepts for the cemetery is the “Goodbye Space” a room the family and casket will travel to after the funeral procession. The casket will be placed on a platform where the family will say their last goodbye and witness the casket gradually descend through the floor. Once the casket is lowered to the floor below it is quickly removed and brought for cremation. Throughout levels 6 to 250 the facility is equipped with chapels, a reception area, ramps to multiple niches and processional ramps.

The cemetery has been designed to be the final resting place of cremated remains which is accomplished with the crematorium on site. Space would be rapidly depleted if the design allowed for burial plots.

Building underground is not exactly a new concept. During both World Wars, elaborate underground bunkers were built so troops wouldn’t be detected by enemy bombers. Britain built a huge aircraft factory 90′ beneath the surface. During the 1950s, the United States was concerned that there might be a sneak nuclear attack and to prepare for such an attack U.S. officials began building elaborate underground refuges for key personnel, equipment and documents.  Some fearful civilians even began digging in their backyards to build their own bomb shelters.

Having buildings underground is actually not as bizarre of an idea as it seems at first glance, there are many benefits that come with having a structure underground. The cost of heating and cooling an underground building is approximately 85% less than that of a surface building. The atmospheric temperature fluctuations that we feel on the surface take much longer to penetrate the ground so as a result when underground, the cold of winter is felt in summer and the heat of summer is felt during winter months. The heat generated by electrical appliances can also be retained and conserved.

With no exposed facades there would be no deterioration from the effects of the elements such as sun and rain. Other concerns such as protection against natural disasters such as earthquakes are resolved in an underground building as strong ground motion decreases with depth making an underground structure actually safer from earthquakes than surface constructions. The building would also be protected against tornados or hurricanes due to it being underground and away from the path of destruction.

An earth-scraper cemetery is the ultimate compromise, the bodies of our dearly departed will still lay to rest deep beneath the earth but will now be accessible to visitors. Building downward is not just a concept for the dead either, Mexico City officials are currently looking at many proposals for underground offices and apartment buildings as well.  Could this be the beginning of a world of underground civilizations like we have seen in many of our favorite sci-fi movies?

Article from:

https://mysendoff.com/2012/07/deep-in-the-earth-a-tower-for-the-dead/

Read more:

The Tower for the Dead, A Skyscraper Cemetery that Goes Straight Down | io9 We Come from the Future

72 Years Together: Couple Died Holding Hands

72 Years Together: Couple Died Holding Hands

by J-Mirabelli

A True Blue Love Story

This story sounds like the movie The Notebook, because there are so many similarities. One huge difference. The Notebook wasn’t real. This story is.

Norma and Gordon Yeager had been married for 72 years. Ninety-year-old Norma and 94-year-old Gordon Yeager met while Norma was still in high school and Gordon was working at the Chevrolet Garage in State Center, Iowa. On May 26, 1939, Norma’s high school graduation day, they got married and promised each other ’til death do they part. And that’s exactly how it went.

It’s a love story for the ages. Norma and Gordon were both in their 90s when they were hospitalized after being involved in a car accident on October 12, 2011. The nurses and doctor kept them together in the intensive care unit, and they lay there, barely responsive but holding hands.

 “They just loved being together,” says their son Dennis. “He always said, ‘I can’t go until she does because I gotta stay here for her.’ And she would say the same thing.”

That afternoon at 3:38pm, Gordon passed away, with his wife and family beside him. The odd thing was that Gordon’s heart monitor kept beeping. “It was really strange. They were holding hands, and dad stopped breathing but I couldn’t figure out what was going on because the heart monitor was still going,” Dennis recalled.

 The attending nurse then pointed out to the family that the couple’s hands were still locked together. Norma’s heart was beating through him and the monitor was picking it up. Exactly one hour later though, at 4:38pm, Norma died too.

 “Neither one of them would’ve wanted to be without each other. I couldn’t figure out how it was going to work,” said daughter Donna Sheets on what life would have been like for the other if only one had survived.

At their funeral on Tuesday, October 18th, Norma and Gordon shared a casket and held hands. Once cremated, their ashes were mixed together.

The Yeagers had four children together, one daughter and three sons. They are survived by two of their children – Donna and Dennis, as well as 14 grandchildren, 29 great-grandchildren and one great-great grandchild.

“I don’t believe there was a big secret to their marriage,” son Dennis said. “Sometimes one or the other would get mad, but they worked everything out. In the end, they chose each other and that was it. They were committed.”

https://mysendoff.com/2012/07/72-years-together-couple-died-holding-hands/

Read more:

Gordon and Norma Yeager die one hour apart holding hands | Mail Online

Married Couple in their 90s die holding hands | The Stir

Gordon and Norma Yeager Obituary | Mitchell Family Funeral Home

What a ‘Whopper’ of a Funeral 

Posted by CDFuneralNews on Friday, February 8, 2013

Article from: NYdailynews.com

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=goBWhWTmnko

ASON PLOTKIN/AP

The hearse carrying David Kime, Jr. pulls up to the drive-through at the Burger King in York.

Kime got one last burger too, the York Daily Record reported. It was placed atop his flag-draped coffin at the cemetery.

Phiel said the display wasn’t a joke, rather a happy way of honoring her father and the things that brought him joy.

“He lived a wonderful life and on his own terms,” she said.

JASON PLOTKIN/AP

Margaret Hess, the manager at Burger King in York, Pa. passes out a Whopper Jr. sandwich to a mourner of David Kime, Jr. before his funeral on Saturday.

Kime, 88, a World War II veteran, died Jan. 20.

Restaurant manager Margaret Hess said she knew his face and his order. She and her crew made 40 burgers for the funeral procession.

“It’s nice to know he was a loyal customer up until the end — the very end,” she said.

Video from: CNN

THANK YOU TO CONNECTING DIRECTORS FOR FEATURING THIS INTERESTING STORY...

About the author

CDFuneralNews  ConnectingDirectors.com is the premier progressive online publication for funeral professionals. 

Caleb Wilde -- Coping with Death

I Am the Creator of the Good

By Caleb Wilde

"...When we think about the inevitable, how do we lift our heads?  How do we not just close our eyes and ask for the mercy of eternal sleep?

You will die...I will die...

Maybe painful.   Maybe today, robbing me of watching my son grow.  Or maybe I die old, the last of my family, alone.  Or, maybe I will see my son die, unable to stop an inevitability that is stronger than I.

And yet, I’m reminded, as I sit paralyzed that although from dirt I was made, I am no longer.

“Stand up, child of God, so I can speak to you.  Stand up.  You were made in my image, you will create.  You will create what is good.  Stand up, so I can speak to you.”

So I stand.  I will not be paralyzed by what I cannot change, I will learn to smile.  I will be vulnerable.  I will stop and look at the stars, the flowers, the beauty of the snow, the fading transience of a passing sunset.  I will always have time to talk to you, to stop and help you and to be your friend.  Each day will be my masterpiece; each day, as I lay down my head to rest, I will see that it was good.

I will be the creator of the good.  I will be like God.  I will speak it into existence."

               

About the author

Caleb Wilde        

I'm a sixth generation funeral director. I have a grad degree in Missional Theology. And I like to read and write. Connect with my writing and book plans by "liking" me on facebook. And keep tabs with my blog via subscription or twitter.

Confessions of a Funeral Director  http://www.calebwilde.com/

Excerpts from an article taken from:

http://connectingdirectors.com/articles/38632-i-am-the-creator-of-the-good-caleb-wilde

Grief Is Like Cutting Yourself Shaving

Grief Is Like Cutting Yourself Shaving

Guest article from: Lauren Polanski

If you end up going to Mortuary School, you’re going to end up learning about Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. She’s like the ‘Go-To’ gal when it comes to grief. I remember spending nights studying with my classmates trying to learn her Five Stages of Grief. DABDA. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  After awhile it started to sound like a Flintstones episode in our dorm rooms with us yelling, “DABDA, DABDA, DOOOO!” (Kidding, kidding…we tried not to yell…) And I mean, sure her theory works. In theory. But (in my opinion) her guidelines are a little outdated. Let me tell you what grief if like from the perspective of a twenty-two year old, new to the business, funeral director.

Grief is like cutting yourself shaving.

I’m serious.

Okay, let me explain.

About two months ago I was taking a nice bubble bath. As I put down my book I took a look at my legs in the tub. They needed a good haircut. So I grab the shaving cream and my razor. As I lathered up my legs my mind started to wander. It does that a lot. And maybe I wasn’t paying much attention. Or maybe my razor was too dull. But I cut myself. Bad.

When I say bad you may not just understand how bad. So let me paint you a picture so you know how I felt. On my right leg right above my ankle I basically skinned off two good inches of flesh. Seriously. You know when you’re cooking mashed potatoes and right before you put them into the boiling-hot pot you skin them? Well, potato = Lauren’s leg. I had to pull my skin out of my razor because it clogged it. THAT’S how bad.

My initial reaction to said cut? A blood piercing scream. You can imagine that a cut will hurt, but you never know just how deep the pain goes until you experience it firsthand. Someone can come up to me and go, “Lauren, I’ve cut myself shaving before, I know how you feel.” And maybe they have cut themselves and they do know. But the pain that I felt, it was all my own. Only I know how bad it really hurt me. So what did I do after I cut myself? I took a nearby washcloth and I wrapped it around my leg. Tried to take my mind off of the situation. Hey, a girl has to finish her bath after all.

When I did finish I got out and put two band-aids on the wound. That’s right, one just wouldn’t cut it for me. And I went about my day. And the cut affected me. Because no matter how much I tried to ignore it, the pain was still present. Every time I took a step forward I was reminded about my cut. The next day I took off the band-aids to clean it and to my surprise the cut looked just as fresh as ever. I mean, it was still bleeding! So I washed it, and put on two fresh band-aids.  As the week went on I had good days and bad days. I couldn’t wear certain shoes because they brought out the pain in my leg. If I hit my leg against anything I would again be reminded by pain rushing back to the section of my leg where I had no skin. And when (a couple of months later) the cut did heal I was reminded about it again because of the scar that it left behind.

Are you still with me? Or did you have to excuse yourself because my descriptions were too much for you? Let’s recap.

When you’re grieving, people may have gone through similar situations, but only you know how it made you feel. Pain and hurt are difficult to explain. What may feel like a large burden to one person may not be the same for another. 

Remember your grief is your own.

You may not think that your grief is that bad and you may try to just wrap a washcloth around it and go on with your normal routine. For some people, staying busy helps them. For others, they’ll need to stop and really focus on their grief at hand.

Sometimes, the ‘normal’ amount of time/help/crying just doesn’t cut it with grief. Don’t be afraid to put two band-aids on even though others only used one.

Your grief may still ‘be bleeding’ the next day. When things are fresh it may take some time to get over it. Don’t let this scare you.  You’ll have good days and bad days. There will be things that remind you of your grief. There will be situations that make the grief sting like it’s fresh. It’s all okay.

And lastly, there will be a scar. There is a void in your life where something or someone once was. But you can make the scar beautiful. It doesn’t have to be a painful reminder. It can be a reminder of all the good times and memories that are still in your heart.

So there you have it. Grief, explained by Lauren. I hope that Elisabeth Kübler-Ross can help you if you’re going through a difficult time. She was a pretty awesome lady after all. And if you find that you’re all DABDA’d out, maybe you’ll look at your razor, think of me and my story and smile.

About the author, Lauren Polanski

Lauren is just like any other twenty-two year old girl besides for the small fact that she’s a licensed funeral director in New York State. Lauren is currently employed at the Lakeside Memorial Funeral Home, Inc. located in Hamburg, NY. When not working she enjoys reading, taking photographs and of course, writing about the funeral industry as seen through her eyes.  www.littlemissfuneral.wordpress.com