Preparing a Eulogy:
A Step-By-Step Guide
Delivering a eulogy for a friend or family member is a
wonderful way to participate in the funeral service. It is an opportunity to
acknowledge the importance of the life lived, and to remind survivors of the
memories and legacy left behind. Nearly any eulogy, if delivered with love and
respect, can be considered a good one, and a funeral audience will be one of
the most sympathetic and forgiving audiences you will ever find.
A funeral is a very important occasion and those in
attendance are very emotionally fragile. Preparing and delivering a eulogy can
make those unaccustomed to writing and public speaking very anxious.
Understandably, the eulogist wants to get things right. The most important
thing to remember as you go through this process is to focus on the deceased,
rather than your own nerves and concerns. If you can do that you will be able
to write a heartfelt tribute that expresses your feelings about the life you
are there to remember and honor. Here is a step-by-step guide to help you
create and deliver a meaningful eulogy.
Step One
Share stories and memories
One of the most
wonderful and satisfying things we can do when we lose someone we love is to
learn something new about that person from others. So whether you are preparing
an obituary for someone you know intimately, or for a colleague, it’s a good
idea to start out by gathering ideas and stories first. Set aside a couple of
hours to share stories and talk about the deceased with family and friends.
Write down stories and memorable sayings as you go along. Learning these
stories will help bring to mind your memories of the deceased, and go a long
way towards preparing your eulogy.
Step Two
Brainstorming and editing
Brainstorming will be
similar to your conversation with the family, only this time it’s just you.
Write down any ideas that come to you about the deceased, whatever they happen
to be. In this stage you don’t want to edit anything out. A small idea may lead
to a great one, so just open up and allow any ideas to come out onto your
paper. You’re looking for stories, perspectives, memories, music and food
associated with that person; mental images about the life of the deceased.
After you’ve brainstormed for an hour or so, step back and look at what you’ve
got, along with the notes you took when talking with family and friends. Look
for descriptive items that can paint a picture in the mind of the audience.
Select the stories and images that stand out as being really representative of
the personality of the deceased.
Step Three
Develop a theme
The theme of your
eulogy is a way to tie together some of the best stories, images, and
impressions from your sessions into a somewhat unified piece. Don’t feel as
though you need to make sense of the death, provide some profound insight, or
‘make things better’ by finding some silver lining or rationalization for the
death. No one expects this of you, and trying to do this can make others feel
like their grief is being minimized. It’s OK to just admit that the death is a
terrible thing that we just don’t understand; that we are sad, hurt, even angry
about the loss, but we’re gathered together to support one another and to
remember our love for that person. Themes can be questions like:
•“Who was Bob
Miller?” A son, a husband, a brother, a mechanic, a sports fan…
•“What makes a father
special?” Giving you advice and letting you make mistakes on your own...
•“What would this
town be without Martha Evans?” No meals on wheels, no arts and crafts club,
kids who never learned how to read…
These themes ask a question. The question is answered by all
the stories and memories you’ve collected. Other themes could be:
•"Courage in the
face of adversity”
•“He will live on
through…”,
•Metaphors, like “His
life was like a garden”
•A loosely organized
series of stories like ‘All I know about life I learned from fishing with
dad."
The themes are there if you look. Perhaps it’s:
•"The kitchen
was the center of our family"
•"The seasons of
her life"
•"He showed his
love through his actions, not his words"
•"She taught us
all the importance of thrift”
•“She taught us all
the importance of having a good time”
If you have trouble coming up with a theme, take a look at
the "Quotes," "Readings," "Scripture and Prayers"
and other resources on this site for inspiration. Adding a quote or a reading
to a eulogy can help organize your pieces and add another level and perspective
to your piece, but don’t try to force your pieces together to fit the quote or
reading. The honesty of the stories is more important that any theme, so if the
important ideas don’t fit, choose a more loosely organized theme like:
•"All the different
sides of Uncle Charlie," or
•"What I learned
from Mom"
You may find that more than one theme works best to present
the material you have collected. That’s fine too. Your theme is important, but
should be subordinate to your content. Ultimately, the overarching theme of any
eulogy is simply "the life of this person was important to us."
Step Four
Weave your eulogy together
Now is the time to put all you’ve got in order. Write the
draft out just as you would say it. Use your normal conversational vocabulary
and tone, and avoid fancy or unfamiliar language. Don’t feel compelled to turn
your tribute into a poem. What is important is clearly expressing your
thoughts. Trying to do that and rhyme at the same time can work at
cross-purposes.
A funeral is not the time to ‘set the record straight’ on
contentious or unresolved issues. That would be a help and comfort to no one.
It is important to work through these issues, but not at the funeral. Your
eulogy needs to be a kind and respectful tribute, and it can be honest in
spirit without going into detail about shortcomings or attacking the deceased.
If you feel that you cannot give your eulogy without announcing to the world
that mother had a drinking problem, or that Uncle Rex was unfaithful to Aunt
Betty, let someone else deliver it. Start out your eulogy with a statement of
your theme; a quote or reading that illustrates your theme, or a story that
does the same. Whatever your theme, think of it as an ‘argument’ that you
‘prove’ in the body of your eulogy. If your theme is a question, you will
answer that question with various examples though your eulogy. Don’t be afraid
of getting things exactly right at this stage, just get it all down, then take
a break and come back to it with fresh eyes.
Step Five- Add and edit
Does your eulogy make sense? Do your examples prove the
point of your theme? Have you included the most important milestones in the
person’s life? Have you included too many details? Would a quotation, a poem,
or a prayer add something meaningful? Now is the time to make structural
changes before you polish it all up. Think twice about anything that may be in
questionable taste for a mixed audience, or may be too sensitive to discuss
publicly. If you are in doubt about this, run it by someone you trust. Another
important idea to keep in mind is that while the eulogy may mention many people
including you, it needs to be focused on the deceased. If your eulogy mentions
you more than the deceased there is a problem.
Step Six- Practice
Once you are pleased with reading the eulogy over in your
head, it’s time to read it aloud. Practice reading clearly and slowly; giving
your audience enough time to hear and understand all your hard work. Practice
and practice again. The more familiar you are with your piece, the easier it
will be to catch yourself if you falter, to look up from your notes and engage
with your audience, and to put feeling and emphasis into your speech. Time
yourself to see if your piece is too long or too short. A good guide is about
15 minutes. If you go longer than 20 minutes, you may have overstepped your
bounds. If your eulogy is shorter than 5 minutes, you may not have said enough.
Step Seven - Speak Slowly and Clearly
When you deliver your eulogy, be sure to speak
slowly and clearly.
Make sure you have a
copy of your eulogy written out in large enough type that you can read it
easily. Keep a glass of water, a cough drop, and a handkerchief handy as well.
If you falter, or are overcome with emotion, allow yourself to cry (no
apologies are necessary) and resume reading when you can. Try to look at the
audience at least occasionally, and at the family as much as you can. Feel free
to gesture with your hands, but try not to fidget. If there is a microphone
available, use it. Delivering a eulogy is a great honor. Friends and family
will be forgiving of mistakes, and grateful to you for this gift. Throughout it
all, remember that this is about the deceased, not about you. Most eulogies are
prepared and delivered by people unaccustomed to writing and public speaking.
Great oratory and profound insights are not expected, and are not even the
point of a eulogy.
What makes a great eulogy
is a heartfelt message of love
for
the deceased,
and stories reminding us
of why we all share that love.
If you
deliver that message in a clear, straightforward manner, you will have succeeded.
Telford's Burial & Cremation Centre Mid-Vancouver Island, BC Canada
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