Interaction with
a Dying Person
Facing Your Own Fears
to Face Your Loved One
From Angela Morrow,
RN, former About.com Guide
The thought of dying often times evokes fear and
apprehension in people. Thinking of others dying can make our own mortality
seem very real. Research has shown that dying people are even ostracized from
society, even avoided by close friends and family.
In light of this, it
is easy to see why many dying patients report feeling isolated and alone. This
is certainly not the type of death most of us would choose. Being surrounded by
friends and loved ones is how the majority of us would choose to spend our last
months or days.
Why is it so Difficult?
There are several
reasons many people have a difficult time interacting with a dying person
including not wanting to face the reality of their own death, not having the
time to become involved, and not having the emotional reserves to deal with
such an intense situation. Feelings of guilt over whether they could have done
something to prevent or cure an illness, or over how their relationship with
that person has been recently may also cause someone to avoid a dying person.
When someone is having a difficult time interacting with a
dying person, it often manifests as avoidance of them, difficulty speaking with
them, difficulty maintaining eye contact, and keeping a physical distance from
them. These are likely to be perceived by the person who is dying.
Factors that may complicate an already difficult situation
are whether the cause of death is viewed as socially acceptable or not (i.e.
heart failure vs. AIDS), whether the death is perceived as “on-time” or not
(i.e. an elderly person vs. a child), and where they die (i.e. a nursing home
vs. their own home). Because everyone dies differently, the dying person may
evoke more avoidance due to their level of pain or distressing symptoms and how
they cope with them. Some dying people may not want to engage in full
conversations but prefer brief, succinct communication. These things can
increase the discomfort loved ones already feel.
Bridging
the Gap
On one side, you have family and friends that are fearful or
uncomfortable being around a dying loved one and on the other, the dying person
feeling abandoned, isolated, and alone. How do we bridge that gap to bring
these people together? Open communication is the easiest and best way to bridge
that gap.
Let the dying person know you are feeling fearful or
uncomfortable, or whatever emotion it is that you have. They’re going to figure
it out anyway! It will let them know that you are taking steps to get past it
and to give them what they need the most during this time.
Ask the dying person what they need or expect from you. Some
dying people will want to talk very openly about their illness and their
impending death. Others will want to avoid talking about it and choose to focus
more on fond memories or their loved ones lives. Both are okay but knowing what
it is the dying person wants to talk about during your interactions will go a
long way. Some will not want to talk at all but may want you at their side to
hold their hand, read them a book, or just to feel your presence.
Be honest about what you can offer. If they want you to
visit daily and you can’t fit it into your schedule or don’t feel like you can
handle that much emotional strain, let them know. Tell them what they can
expect from you like, “Bob, I understand that you want me to visit you every
day. I want to visit you as much as I can but every day may not be possible. I
will be sure to visit you every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday and if I can
fit any extra days in, I will do it.” The important thing is to not make a
promise that can’t keep.
Also, be honest about what you feel comfortable talking
about. Just because the dying person wants to be open and frank about what is
happening to them, you may not feel comfortable discussing every detail. Let them
know if this is the case. Once everyone’s needs and expectations are in the
open, the process of compromise can begin.
Finding a place where everyone is
comfortable and getting their needs met will help make interacting with the
dying person a special experience that you can treasure.
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